Having born witness to many a failed attempt on the part of vegans to convert Middle America's diet to one of couscous and raw kale, I'm firmly of the opinion that the flesh-eating majority would tone it down if only the culinary leap in form weren't so vast. A plate of grains and produce might warm the hearts of some, but appears so alien to the greater herd as to inspire fear and revulsion. Lucky for us, dear gastronauts, there is a third way, one that spares poor Wilbur from the guillotine and satisfies the same niche in your diet as processed animal corpse: Bean Burgers.
But before getting to the recipe, we should probably pay our respects to the towering institution of Burgerdom before it's chic young rival, the Wrap, scrubs it from the public record forever.
The history of the noble hamburger is a long one shrouded in mystery and intrigue, but on a few points there is little controversy. It originated in Germany in a form quite different than its modern counterpart, back when it was fashionable for rowdy sailors to stagger around seaports spending their wages on salted "Hamburg steak," often brawling ruthlessly for the last morsel available, which they would then strap to their chests as status symbols to attract the attention of wealthy merchants into whose prestigious families they would attempt to marry. When this didn't work, many fled to the United States where it was considered a more effective tool of courtship. Today, with excessive beef consumption associated with myriad health problems and the mighty Oprah broken and humiliated, many are quietly turning to pork and dolphin to fill the void.
To save you from these less than optimal alternatives, here's a recipe I dug up and modified that should suit you well. And fries too, because we're cool like that. Start those first, as you can get to work on the burgers later while the fries are in the oven.
For the Yam Fries you'll need:
2 large yams
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon cooking oil
1 six-pack beer
Preheat oven at 425 degrees. Clean off them yams (don't peel). Cut into thin strips, sized as you want them to be when served, as they won't significantly cook down. Drink beer. Mix olive oil, cumin, coriander, pepper in a large bowl. Add yam strips, stir vigorously. Coat a baking sheet with cooking oil, evenly spreading strips across the sheet in a single layer. Bake for 25 minutes, turning once halfway through. Makes three servings.
As for Bean Burgers, here are the essential ingredients, not counting buns and condiments:
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 tablespoons cooking oil
1 white onion
1 clove garlic
3 green onions
1/2 teaspoon cumin
3/4 cup diced fresh mushrooms
1 15 ounce can pinto beans
1 teaspoon parsley
9 tablespoon breadcrumbs
Salt and pepper to taste
First, mash the beans with a meat tenderizer or heavy kitchen utensil until thoroughly crushed and defeated. Next, dice the vegetables and mushrooms. Fry up the white onion and garlic in cooking oil for about 4 minutes. Add the green onions, cumin, and mushrooms and stir for another 5 minutes. When the mushrooms are fully cooked dump your medley into a big bowl. Drink beer, add the beans, parsley, salt, and pepper to the bowl of fried goodness. Stir well. Shape the mixture into patties, adding 3 tablespoons of breadcrumbs to each patty. Drink more. Heat the olive oil in a pan and cook each patty about 3 minutes on each side. Makes three burgers.
By now you should be deep into your six-pack and wondering why beef has all the play. This is natural. Continue to drink, alternating between bites of your succulent burger, sips of your frosty cold one, mouthfuls of yam fries, and back again to your frosty cold one. Don't beat yourself up for eating meat or deep-fried Twizzlers tomorrow, or drinking beer right now. For evolution is more permanent than abrupt changes in lifestyle. Now get back to that cold one.
4 tablespoons cooking oil
1 white onion
1 clove garlic
3 green onions
1/2 teaspoon cumin
3/4 cup diced fresh mushrooms
1 15 ounce can pinto beans
1 teaspoon parsley
9 tablespoon breadcrumbs
Salt and pepper to taste
First, mash the beans with a meat tenderizer or heavy kitchen utensil until thoroughly crushed and defeated. Next, dice the vegetables and mushrooms. Fry up the white onion and garlic in cooking oil for about 4 minutes. Add the green onions, cumin, and mushrooms and stir for another 5 minutes. When the mushrooms are fully cooked dump your medley into a big bowl. Drink beer, add the beans, parsley, salt, and pepper to the bowl of fried goodness. Stir well. Shape the mixture into patties, adding 3 tablespoons of breadcrumbs to each patty. Drink more. Heat the olive oil in a pan and cook each patty about 3 minutes on each side. Makes three burgers.
By now you should be deep into your six-pack and wondering why beef has all the play. This is natural. Continue to drink, alternating between bites of your succulent burger, sips of your frosty cold one, mouthfuls of yam fries, and back again to your frosty cold one. Don't beat yourself up for eating meat or deep-fried Twizzlers tomorrow, or drinking beer right now. For evolution is more permanent than abrupt changes in lifestyle. Now get back to that cold one.
