by The Pie Baron
Seattle Independent
In America’s first nationwide election since the start of the Obama presidency, voters overwhelmingly voiced their support for the Republican Party and the act of napping.
“Change has come to America,” proclaimed Representative John Boehner of Ohio, easily reelected to his eleventh term in Congress and poised to become the next Speaker of the House. “Now begins the difficult process of preventing the President from accomplishing anything while simultaneously ensuring Democrats remain on the couch.”
Across the nation, activists for the “Thirdworldization of Everything in America” or “TEA” Party rejoiced as their slate of candidates made victory speeches in front of prisons and boarded up houses. Committed to transforming the United States into a deskilled, oligarchical police state in the mold of traditional low-income banana republics, the TEA Party sees itself as the modern manifestation of the movement that inspired early American colonists to throw off the low-income, oligarchical police state of the British Empire.
“The American people are ready for discipline and obedience,” said Boehner in a televised statement. “Tomorrow morning, when you head to work, be thankful you have what we’ve allowed you to keep so far, because it’s about to get a whole lot worse.”
The celebratory mood was far from universal, however. In neighborhoods around Phoenix a more solemn tone was on display, as spontaneous marches of torch-carrying Tea Partiers made their way through predominantly Latino districts, where businesses with Spanish names were compelled to close down early on the advice of local police.
“We’re Not Your Freinds” [sic] was a common sign carried by demonstrators, often written in crayon on what appeared to be cardboard stapled to plywood. “A lot of these people have risked their safety and surrendered their dignity by living on the margins of society to feed their families and contribute to our economy,” said resident William Goering, “obviously they should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.”
Self-described Democrat Bartholomew Q. Pinkus of Evanston, Illinois was less than thrilled. “Dude, there was an election?” he asked after being repeatedly prodded in his La-Z-Boy with a pool cue by the Seattle Independent news team. When asked how he felt about Senator-elect Mark Steven Kirk’s promise to “wash away the filth” and “restore purity to the homeland,” Mr. Pinkus rolled over and said, “Obama, like, shoulda tried harder, man.”
The Obama Administration, meanwhile, offered its take on the rightward turn of American politics. “If you think our first two years in office were frustrating,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “wait until 2011 when we get even less done. Your amnesia disgusts me, and I am hereby resigning my position effective immediately. Enjoy the clusterf**k you’ve just created for yourselves, morons.”
Shortly after 8:19pm EST Independent Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut announced his migration to the Senate Republican Caucus. “Don’t act so surprised,” he said in a one-sentence statement before leaving the podium at an impromptu press conference in Hartford.
Washington state voters handily approved Initiative 1053, which will require legislative supermajorities to increase tax rates, and defeated Initiative 1098, which would have levied Washington’s first ever tax on income of the wealthiest 1.2%. About $2 billion would have been raised for education and health care annually.
“Basically, we hate children,” stated voter Christina Finkledorf, a supporter of I-1053 and opponent of I-1098. “I mean, seriously, I’m uneducated and I turned out fine. Just let Asia and Europe have healthy, skilled workforces,” she added before heading to her home. “What could possibly go wrong?”
